what you will say after going through this blog.

Stupid And Disgusting Joke

A leper walks into a cafe on a wet and miserable day, orders his food and looks for somewhere to sit.

The place is packed apart from one guy sat alone at a table, so he shuffles over and explains that while he will quite understand if the guy says no, but is there any chance of sharing the table.  The guy agrees, but the leper asks one more time "Are you sure I won't put you off your food?" The man assures him so the leper sits and begins to eat.

The man at the table brings a mouthful of food up and as he puts it in his mouth, looks directly at the leper and for a moment it seems he is about to vomit.

The leper pauses and says "Are you okay? I will leave if I am putting you off your food".

The man assures him this is not the case, so the leper continues to eat. A second time the man takes a mouthful of food and the same thing happens, though this time he has to make a serious effort not to throw up.

The leper starts to get up, but the man apologises profusely and assures the leper that it is not him that is making him queasy. Unsure, but not wanting to eat outside in the rain, the leper once more starts to eat.

A third time the man takes a mouthful of food, and as he does so, looks directly at the leper and once more he is assailed by vomiting actions and this time he cannot hold it in, and sprays the contents of his stomach all over the table, everyone's food and the leper, who is incensed.

"You sick scumbag!" he screams "Three times! Three times I asked you if I was putting you off your food, and now look at me! As if life wasn't tough enough already, my food is ruined and I am covered in foul smelling puke. What the hell is wrong with you?"

The man says "I am really, really sorry, but I swear to you it wasn't you that was putting me off my food and making me feel sick. It was that fella behind you, who kept dipping his bread in the pus on the back of your neck!"

Really Stupid Joke

A woman goes into the local pet shop and asks the owner for a pet that can do everything.

The owner thinks about it and says "How about a dog?" The woman replies "No, I had a dog before. He was great but all he did was eat, sleep, and play fetch. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The owner thinks for a long time and then says "I've got it! What you want is a millipede!" The woman looks at the owner and says "A millipede? I can't imagine a millipede doing everything. But okay… I'll try it".

 When the woman gets the millipede home, she says to him "Please clean the kitchen". Thirty minutes later, she walks into the kitchen and it's spotless. She's absolutely amazed.

Wanting to see what else he can do, the woman says to the millipede "Please clean the living room". Twenty-five minutes later, she walks into the living room, and again everything's perfect. The woman is once again impressed.

The woman thinks to herself "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This pet really can do everything". Wanting him to do more, she says to the millipede "Run down to the corner store and get me a newspaper, please". The millipede walks out of the living room.

Ten minutes go by and no millipede.

After thirty minutes the woman is starting to wonder what's going on. It should have taken the millipede only a couple of minutes.

Deciding to look for him, the woman goes to leave out the front door. She opens the door and the millipede is just sitting on the front steps. The woman becomes furious.

She says "Hey! Where have you been all this time? I asked you 30 minutes ago to go to the corner store and get me a newspaper. Then I come to find you and you're sitting down on the job. What's going on?"

The millipede replies " I'm going! I'm going! Gimme a chance to get my fucking shoes on!"

Stupid Joke

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!"
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long it's been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You're like a miracle!"

Finally, the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!?"

Stupid Joke

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days ... and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so" the old Rabbi said "but I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree".

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? ..... Trust me, I vouldn't go dere".

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know Jewish people don't eat bacon".

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish Rabbi.

The near-dead man starts shouting "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me".

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says "Oy... vait a minute".

He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.

"Oy Vey, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree... it vuz a ham bush!"

Stupid Joke

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.

The daughter said to the mother "My hands are freezing cold". The mother replied "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up".

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold". The daughter said "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up".

He did, and his hands warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is freezing cold". The daughter said "Put it between my legs. It will warm up".

He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said "My penis is frozen solid".

Later, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says "Well, they make one heck of a mess when they thaw out.

VERY Stupid Joke

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger  are sitting in a bar.
Sylvester Stallone says “Guys, we should make a movie  with the three of us, but I’m all out of ideas at the moment, I’m kind of bored  with the standard action flicks”.
Chuck says “Guys, I’m bored of doing action movies too  and I’ve got some ideas but you may not like them”.
Sylvester says “Let us hear it”.
So Chuck continues “All right, this may sound silly,  but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers”.
That’s when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and  says “That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and  Chuck can be Beethoven!”
“And who will you be, Arnold?”
“I’ll be Bach”.

Stupid Joke

A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The   interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is. “Wow! You   have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to  be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?”  Asked an interviewer". Oh that’s when I went to Yale" says the man  and the interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot.  The man shows his gratitude by saying “Thank you for the yob”

don't let people say you can't

Stupid Joke

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl “Love” inspired in the same spirit as Carol’s unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.
She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologised.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol’s wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.
“What happened?!” she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered “Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name”.

Stupid Joke

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialling numbers like a telephone but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here.

The guy says "You don't understand. I'm very high tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular". The bartender says "prove it".

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.

The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible" he says "I would never have believed it". "Yeah" said the man "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

The man goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes pass and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst and given the violence in the neighbourhood, the bartender goes to check on him.

The bartender finds the guy spread eagle against the wall.

His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his rear. "Oh no!" said the bartender "Did the locals rob you?" Are you hurt?" The man casually turns around and says "No, I'm just waiting for a fax".

I just read a list of "The 10 Important Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.

Stupid Joke

My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed".

the experience will stay with you

don't forget to save the date. ;)

needs a scratch?

I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. WARNING: Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

What is the difference between garbanzo bean and chick pea? No one pays $50 to have garbanzo bean on their face.

Stupid Joke

My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog 'Sex'. It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life.

Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I'd like to have one, too".


Then, I said "You don't understand. She's a dog". He replied "Look man, I don't care how she looks". "No no, I've had Sex since I was 5!" He replied "You must have been an early bloomer".

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.

After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She replied "Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex". I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "Me too!"

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said "Me too".

One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.

I told him "I'm looking for Sex!"

My case comes up next Tuesday.

Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counselling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.

I said "Sex has left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely".

He said "Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why don't you go get yourself a dog"...

Lock Her Up!!!

Stupid Joke

A lone sniper was about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

Stupid Joke

During my check-up I asked the Doctor "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now". I said "I don't go in for any of that astrology crap". He replied "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke in your arse".

Stupid Joke

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great" Little Johnny replied. "Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, daddy really liked it too" exclaimed Little Johnny "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Stupid Joke

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied "Well, I"ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.".

She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women".

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

Stupid Joke

After a long time, Police officer Jesse visits his old aunt. As he sits on the canape, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

"Mind if I have a few?" Jesse asks. "No, not at all!" the old aunt replied.

They talked about health of the old woman for half an hour and, as Jesse stands to leave, he realises that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

"I'm really sorry for eating all your peanuts auntie. I really just meant to eat a few".

"Oh, that's all right" his aunt says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them anyway".

Stupid Joke

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of nowhere. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks.

The American points to the Canadian and says "You will be in charge of building and maintaining a fire". The Canadian nods.

Then he points to the Japanese and says "You will be in charge of supplies". The Japanese nods.

"And I will be in charge of building shelters, we will meet back here by sunset".

They agreed and went off their own ways.

By sunset, the American has built this beautiful sturdy shelter, enough for 3 plus more. The Canadian created a big steady camp fire all ready to cook whatever they got. But the Japanese is nowhere to be found.

After a few more hours, night falls and there were still no signs of the Japanese. They got worried and decided to go into the forest to look for him. They inch slowly towards the forest with caution because they don't know what wild beasts roam at night. As soon as they stepped into the forest, a bush rustles, and out jumped the Japanese man screaming "SURPLISE!!"

see,they do miss me at work!

Stupid Joke

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:" What in the world happened?" The assistant replied "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "PEANUTS!"

"Up every mornin just to keep a job
I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob
Sounds of the city poundin in my brain
While another day goes down the drain

But its a five oclock world when the whistle blows
No one owns a piece of my time
And theres a five oclock me inside my clothes
Thinkin that the world looks fine, yeah"

"She comes in colours ev’ry where
She combs her hair. She’s like a rainbow"