this guy is a real dick.

Some people don't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have internet.

Stupid Joke

I went to the liquor store Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

Stupid Joke

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him".

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children" she went on "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place".

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now" she announced in a quavering voice "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely".

All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said "I'm Tom". The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is STERNUM".

Stupid Joke

An American and his Czechoslovakian friend were out walking in the forest. They rounded a corner and right in front of them stood a giant grizzly bear. Before they could make a move, the bear jumped up and ate the European.

The American turned and ran. He pulled out his cell phone and called the local forest ranger. In no time, an experienced ranger was upon the scene and they headed back to find the man-eating bear.

They neared the site where the man was eaten. They came upon two bears, a male and a female. The ranger asked the American which bear ate his friend. The American replied that it was the male, the bigger of the two.

With that, the fearless ranger pulled out his hunting knife and with one fell swoop, slashed open the belly of the female, and out popped the man's friend.

"Never trust someone when they say the Czech is in the male!"

stupid joke

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said "Hey Luigi, how wassa da treep?" Luigi said "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down".

"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, wagga his finger at us anda say 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car'.

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car'. So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say 'No a smokina indisa car. Musta go to a smokina car...'

We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...

'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus".

yo,ya gonna eat dem peanuts?

a guy with a lot of appeal.

stupid joke

Was in London when a German tourist ran up to me in a panic. He breathlessly gasped "My friend has been in a bad accident; can you tell me the number to ring for an ambulance?" I replied "999" The ungrateful prick punched me and ran to someone else...

stupid joke

The man who invented auto correct has died. May he rust in piss.

stupid joke

A warning to all you - be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. The Police are out there in numbers checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...

Very Stupid Joke

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee". Wife replies "No, you should do it, and besides it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee". Husband replies "I can't believe that, show me". So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS".

Stupid Joke

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there"s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Stupid Joke

A man goes to his Doctor as every time he farts it sounds like the word HONDA...

Doctor refers him to specialist at local Hospital, after examination the specialist says "You have a small abscess in your rectum and as you break wind the rush of wind passing over the abscess makes it sound like HONDA".

The man not satisfied asks for a second opinion. The specialist says "We have a Chinese consultant Professor Chang that you can see, the man agrees.

The next day he sees Professor Chang and explains everything about the abscess. The professor tells the man that the diagnosis is correct, as a well-known Chinese proverb says "Abscess makes the fart go HONDA".

just another Stupid Joke

Grandmother Audrey and Grandfather Russ were sitting in their veranda rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about the good old days, when Audrey turned to Russ and said "Darling, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Russ looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Audrey pressed a little farther "Darling, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Russ leaned slowly toward Audrey and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Audrey said "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Russ slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Audrey in panic panic said "Darling, where are you going?"

Grandfather Russ answered "To get my teeth!"

Stupid Joke

A catholic girl goes into confession, and tells the priest "Father, I am pregnant". "How did this happen my child?" He asks her. "Father, I think it's the second coming". she says. Rather taken aback by her explanation, he asks her "Now why would you think it's the second coming?" To which she answers "Because I swallowed the first one".

Stupid Joke

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies "I'm a high-priced whore". The accountant balks and says "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that". The woman says "Okay, I'm a high-end call girl!" "No, that is still too crude. Try again".

They both think for a minute, then the woman states "I'm an elite chicken farmer". The accountant asks "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 peckers last year".

Stupid Joke

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Feinberg" he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years".

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall".

Stupid Joke

Two Americans were backpacking in Europe when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in German "Where is the nearest petrol diner?"

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. "Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying".

The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily.

The first American asked his partner "Maybe we should learn a second language".

His partner shrugged and replied "Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn't help him one bit".

Stupid Joke

A guy tries to walk into a bar but the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!"

Stupid Joke

Several days before Halloween, Tom, Dick and Harry were sitting in a bar enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Christmas raffle. Since the raffle was for charity, they bought five tickets each. When the raffle was drawn a few days later, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - a six-month supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. The next time they met at the bar, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great" said Tom. "I love spaghetti". "Me too" replied Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?" "Not so good" Harry groaned "I reckon I'll go back to toilet paper".

Stupid Joke

A guy goes to a Halloween party with nothing but a girl on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail" says the guy. "How's anybody supposed to get that?" scoffs the host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not just any girl, buddy" says the guy slowly. "That's Michelle".

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods". The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent". "Thank God" said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay".

Me: "What's the Wi-Fi password?" Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". Me: "Okay, I'll have a coke". Bartender: "Is Pepsi okay?" Me: Sure. "How much is that?" Bartender: "$3" Me: "There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?" Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase".