A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods". The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent". "Thank God" said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay".

Me: "What's the Wi-Fi password?" Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". Me: "Okay, I'll have a coke". Bartender: "Is Pepsi okay?" Me: Sure. "How much is that?" Bartender: "$3" Me: "There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?" Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase".