A man walks into the local ice cream parlour and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.

"Sorry" says the attendant "we're all out of chocolate ice cream". "In that case" says the man "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate". "I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.

"Okay in that case" says the man "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate". "Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?" "Van" he replies "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"

"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?" "Straw" he answers "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"

"What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant. "Wait a minute" says the man "there's no fuck in chocolate!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you now get out of my store!"

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends
We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside
There behind a glass stands a real blade of grass
Be careful as you pass, move along, move along

je suis Bruxelles

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well" Mary said "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water" says the priest. The trooper says "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love" the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked "With whom?" "With you" he said. "But George" she said gently "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child". "Oh, don't worry" the boy said reassuringly "I'll use a rubber".

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mum" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money!"

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true mum?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, finally answers "Yes".

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mum, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said "Most of them become taxi drivers".

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers "Ah sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000". "No problem! I'll write you a cheque!" "Very good, sir" says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared". So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by" grinned the guy "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

a typical Trump rally

Big Oil is worried.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2009/02/100-great-american-novels-poetry-that-were-not-reading-bc-we-watch-2-hours-of-tv-a-night/

I'd like to introduce America to it's new Republican Presidential ticket!