turn up your volume

ever wonder why your toothbrush never dries out?

just in case you had any doubt

 

 

Stupid Joke

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry" the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Would you let me buy your dinner to make it up to you?" she says. Smitten, he says yes.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater. Then they have drinks. They talk, they laugh, they share their deepest dreams.

She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! He is drawn to praise her. "You know" he said "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"Oh heavens no..." she replies "you just happened to catch my eye".

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so... they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that... was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but... I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just... didn't have the time.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I... couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found... I wasn't very noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I... didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I... just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I... couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I... tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was... just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I... wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in as a personal trainer, but they said I... wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I... was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was... no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it... was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!

Stupid Joke

My neighbour Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some 'Nair' hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days".

Andrea said "I'm not using it under my arms".

The pharmacist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days". Andrea replied "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".

The pharmacist said "Well, stay off your bike for at least a week".

Stupid Joke

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground". I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".

Stupid Joke

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.
“Yeah right!” she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed…
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
“I don’t know where we were or what we did… but, by *somehow* we took FIRST and SECOND place!

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.  I thought to myself… “Well this changes everything!”

 I accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger  together. At first, I panicked. Then I realised that it was always going to be  okay.

everyone stay safe!

When he was 40, the renowned Bohemian novelist and short story writer Franz Kafka (1883–1924), who never married and had no children, was strolling through Steglitz Park in Berlin, when he chanced upon a young girl crying her eyes out because she had lost her favorite doll. She and Kafka looked for the doll without success. Kafka told her to meet him there the next day and they would look again.

The next day, when they still had not found the doll, Kafka gave the girl a letter "written" by the doll that said, “Please do not cry. I have gone on a trip to see the world. I'm going to write to you about my adventures."

Thus began a story that continued to the end of Kafka’s life.

When they would meet, Kafka read aloud his carefully composed letters of adventures and conversations about the beloved doll, which the girl found enchanting. Finally, Kafka read her a letter of the story that brought the doll back to Berlin, and he then gave her a doll he had purchased. “This does not look at all like my doll," she said. Kafka handed her another letter that explained, “My trips, they have changed me." The girl hugged the new doll and took it home with her.A year later, Kafka died.

Many years later, the now grown-up girl found a letter tucked into an unnoticed crevice in the doll. The tiny letter, signed by Kafka, said, “Everything you love is very likely to be lost, but in the end, love will return in a different way."     Artist ~ Isabel Torner

Stupid Joke

A guy goes to the doctor complaining that his dick has turned orange. "I've never seen anything like that" says the doc "What do you do for a living?". "Oh I'm unemployed" says the bloke. "So, what do you do all day?" asks the doc. "Sit at home watching porn and eating cheetos".

Stupid Joke

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas" the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered "BP!"