Thursday, January 31, 2019
Stupid Joke
A lone sniper was about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last
moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately
shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell
dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the
bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said "I
meant to shout "Donald, duck!"
Stupid Joke
During my check-up I asked the Doctor "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now". I said "I don't go in for any of that astrology crap". He replied "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke in your arse".
Stupid Joke
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for
days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great"
Little Johnny replied. "Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his
mother. "Yeah, daddy really liked it too" exclaimed Little Johnny
"especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Stupid Joke
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered
a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down
next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked
"Are you a real cowboy?" He replied "Well, I"ve spent my whole life
breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling
calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.".
She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my
whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the
morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked
women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything
makes me think of naked women".
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down
on the other side of the old cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian".
Stupid Joke
After a long time, Police officer Jesse visits his
old aunt. As he sits on the canape, he notices a large bowl of peanuts
on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" Jesse asks. "No, not at all!" the old aunt replied.
They talked about health of the old woman for half
an hour and, as Jesse stands to leave, he realises that instead of
eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm really sorry for eating all your peanuts auntie. I really just meant to eat a few".
"Oh, that's all right" his aunt says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them anyway".
Thursday, January 24, 2019
Stupid Joke
An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were
stranded in a deserted island in middle of nowhere. They understood
that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to
stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks.
The American points to the Canadian and says "You will be in charge of building and maintaining a fire". The Canadian nods.
Then he points to the Japanese and says "You will be in charge of supplies". The Japanese nods.
"And I will be in charge of building shelters, we will meet back here by sunset".
They agreed and went off their own ways.
By sunset, the American has built
this beautiful sturdy shelter, enough for 3 plus more. The Canadian
created a big steady camp fire all ready to cook whatever they got. But
the Japanese is nowhere to be found.
After a few more hours, night
falls and there were still no signs of the Japanese. They got worried
and decided to go into the forest to look for him. They inch slowly
towards the forest with caution because they don't know what wild
beasts roam at night. As soon as they stepped into the forest, a bush
rustles, and out jumped the Japanese man screaming "SURPLISE!!"
Stupid Joke
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his
patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived,
everything went quite well.
As the national anthem started, the
doctor yelled "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up. After
the anthem, he yelled "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their
seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor
yelled "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When
the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home
team, the Doctor yelled "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and
cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the
doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in
charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his missing assistant, the
doctor asked:" What in the world happened?" The assistant replied "Well
everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled
"PEANUTS!"
I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob
Sounds of the city poundin in my brain
While another day goes down the drain
But its a five oclock world when the whistle blows
No one owns a piece of my time
And theres a five oclock me inside my clothes
Thinkin that the world looks fine, yeah"
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