Very Stupid Joke

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee". The husband said "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee". Wife replies "No, you should do it, and besides it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee". Husband replies "I can't believe that, show me". So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS".

Stupid Joke

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there"s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Stupid Joke

A man goes to his Doctor as every time he farts it sounds like the word HONDA...

Doctor refers him to specialist at local Hospital, after examination the specialist says "You have a small abscess in your rectum and as you break wind the rush of wind passing over the abscess makes it sound like HONDA".

The man not satisfied asks for a second opinion. The specialist says "We have a Chinese consultant Professor Chang that you can see, the man agrees.

The next day he sees Professor Chang and explains everything about the abscess. The professor tells the man that the diagnosis is correct, as a well-known Chinese proverb says "Abscess makes the fart go HONDA".

just another Stupid Joke

Grandmother Audrey and Grandfather Russ were sitting in their veranda rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about the good old days, when Audrey turned to Russ and said "Darling, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Russ looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Audrey pressed a little farther "Darling, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Russ leaned slowly toward Audrey and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Audrey said "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Russ slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Audrey in panic panic said "Darling, where are you going?"

Grandfather Russ answered "To get my teeth!"

Stupid Joke

A catholic girl goes into confession, and tells the priest "Father, I am pregnant". "How did this happen my child?" He asks her. "Father, I think it's the second coming". she says. Rather taken aback by her explanation, he asks her "Now why would you think it's the second coming?" To which she answers "Because I swallowed the first one".

Stupid Joke

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies "I'm a high-priced whore". The accountant balks and says "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that". The woman says "Okay, I'm a high-end call girl!" "No, that is still too crude. Try again".

They both think for a minute, then the woman states "I'm an elite chicken farmer". The accountant asks "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 peckers last year".

Stupid Joke

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Feinberg" he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years".

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall".

Stupid Joke

Two Americans were backpacking in Europe when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in German "Where is the nearest petrol diner?"

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. "Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying".

The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily.

The first American asked his partner "Maybe we should learn a second language".

His partner shrugged and replied "Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn't help him one bit".

Stupid Joke

A guy tries to walk into a bar but the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!"

Stupid Joke

Several days before Halloween, Tom, Dick and Harry were sitting in a bar enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Christmas raffle. Since the raffle was for charity, they bought five tickets each. When the raffle was drawn a few days later, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - a six-month supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. The next time they met at the bar, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great" said Tom. "I love spaghetti". "Me too" replied Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?" "Not so good" Harry groaned "I reckon I'll go back to toilet paper".

Stupid Joke

A guy goes to a Halloween party with nothing but a girl on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail" says the guy. "How's anybody supposed to get that?" scoffs the host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not just any girl, buddy" says the guy slowly. "That's Michelle".