Stupid Joke

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles". "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied "Well, I'm the fish friar". She turns the other brother and says "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk".

Stupid Joke

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore" she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 10 kilometres you drive over the 100-kilometre speed limit, I'll remove one piece of clothing".

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 110 mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 120 off came the pants.

At 130 it was her bra and at 140 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment, and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help" he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up" he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied "Ma'am if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

Stupid Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop..."

Stupid Joke
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles". "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied "Well, I'm the fish friar". She turns the other brother and says "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk".

turn up your volume

ever wonder why your toothbrush never dries out?

just in case you had any doubt

 

 

Stupid Joke

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry" the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Would you let me buy your dinner to make it up to you?" she says. Smitten, he says yes.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater. Then they have drinks. They talk, they laugh, they share their deepest dreams.

She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! He is drawn to praise her. "You know" he said "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"Oh heavens no..." she replies "you just happened to catch my eye".

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so... they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that... was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but... I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just... didn't have the time.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I... couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found... I wasn't very noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I... didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I... just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I... couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I... tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was... just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I... wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in as a personal trainer, but they said I... wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I... was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was... no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it... was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!

Stupid Joke

My neighbour Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some 'Nair' hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days".

Andrea said "I'm not using it under my arms".

The pharmacist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days". Andrea replied "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".

The pharmacist said "Well, stay off your bike for at least a week".

Stupid Joke

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground". I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".

Stupid Joke

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.
“Yeah right!” she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed…
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
“I don’t know where we were or what we did… but, by *somehow* we took FIRST and SECOND place!