this guy is a real dick.

Some people don't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have internet.

Stupid Joke

I went to the liquor store Monday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jim Beam and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Jim Beam before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

Stupid Joke

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him".

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children" she went on "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place".

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now" she announced in a quavering voice "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely".

All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said "I'm Tom". The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is STERNUM".

Stupid Joke

An American and his Czechoslovakian friend were out walking in the forest. They rounded a corner and right in front of them stood a giant grizzly bear. Before they could make a move, the bear jumped up and ate the European.

The American turned and ran. He pulled out his cell phone and called the local forest ranger. In no time, an experienced ranger was upon the scene and they headed back to find the man-eating bear.

They neared the site where the man was eaten. They came upon two bears, a male and a female. The ranger asked the American which bear ate his friend. The American replied that it was the male, the bigger of the two.

With that, the fearless ranger pulled out his hunting knife and with one fell swoop, slashed open the belly of the female, and out popped the man's friend.

"Never trust someone when they say the Czech is in the male!"

stupid joke

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said "Hey Luigi, how wassa da treep?" Luigi said "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down".

"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, wagga his finger at us anda say 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car'.

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car'. So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say 'No a smokina indisa car. Musta go to a smokina car...'

We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...

'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus".

yo,ya gonna eat dem peanuts?

a guy with a lot of appeal.

stupid joke

Was in London when a German tourist ran up to me in a panic. He breathlessly gasped "My friend has been in a bad accident; can you tell me the number to ring for an ambulance?" I replied "999" The ungrateful prick punched me and ran to someone else...

stupid joke

The man who invented auto correct has died. May he rust in piss.

stupid joke

A warning to all you - be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. The Police are out there in numbers checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...